REALITY DOESN’T JUST BITE, IT SPITS!
Before I start this next chapter, I wanted to preface things with a small warning. The truth is that discussing death and dying can be very difficult for some. Nathan and I are going to hit on some very challenging and somewhat painful ideas over the course of this book. But if you picked up on what I was writing about in Chapter One, I think you’ll do just fine.
The following incident happened about three years ago, but I remember like it was yesterday. I had been at my job as a funeral director’s assistant for less than a week. It was a blazing hot day in July and I was getting to know my fellow co-workers. At the cemetery, we had spied someone lurking about 200 feet away. We were told that it was an estranged brother who was not invited to the funeral, but had somehow found out the time and place and was making his presence known. It created a little bit of intrigue, but none of us were concerned that he would do something to disrupt the funeral.
As this was literally my second or third time attending a funeral at a gravesite, I wasn’t really sure if having a lurker was a normal occurrence or something completely uncommon. It turned out to be something else - it turned out to be completely off the rails. The funeral service took about 30 minutes to finish. The family left the grave and slowly the brother walked up to the grave. He stood in front of the grave and spat on it. Then he said “I’m glad you’re dead, you fucking cunt.” He promptly left and I stood there with my jaw dropped. As he left, I could feel the tension and anger just swirling around him. I was literally stunned into silence.
I am happy to report that a scene like this is NOT a common occurrence. The amount of visceral hatred that seethed in this man's veins was both intense and shocking. While I will never know what led up to this moment, it is forever seared in my brain. A fellow staff member remarked that he’d been working in funeral services for over 25 years and had never encountered something like this before. I guess in some crazy way, my timing was pretty good.
There is no doubt in my mind that you gain an incredible appreciation for life when you are surrounded by death. It seems oddly counter-intuitive and yet I encounter it constantly. What can we learn from my story about this man? I think you could spend many years trying to unpack a scene like this, but I think it boils down to just one crucial thing. “You gotta handle your shit, or shit will handle you.”
Clearly, this man (who appeared to be in his mid 60’s) and his mother (along with the rest of the family) needed help. He clearly carries a burning resentment that was overwhelming. Whatever history is between the family, it would appear that it was never dealt with. This man needed help. Maybe he got it, but I sense it never really helped sufficiently. Or maybe, in the last three years, he did receive some help. I can only hope that he did. Sadly, I will never know.
Skaters come from a variety of backgrounds. Some are rich, some are poor and some are middle class. I would venture a guess that a number of skaters turned to skateboarding because it was a path to freedom from an issue. These issues or problems can range from mild to severe. No matter what a skater tries to leave behind (ie: an abusive home, inattentive parents, abusive sibling or some other problem) the fact remains that skateboarding can’t fully erase the problem. Coming to terms with this can be both alarming and painful but it is necessary.
Make no mistake, I am glad I had skateboarding when I was younger. It wasn’t just a creative outlet, it provided me with a great deal of support. But in truth, I never dealt with certain shit until I reached my 50’s. Of course, things change with time and nowadays, people are a lot more open to dealing with mental health issues. But the reality is that if you use skateboarding as your only path to freedom, you aren’t dealing with the problem. This can have a substantially negative impact as you move through life.
If you carry with you hatred against people who don’t look like you or skate like you, it is you who has the problem. Skateboarding promotes the idea of freedom, but if you are running away from an issue that needs to be dealt with, you will never be truly free.
This is a hard truth but it is critical to accept. As much as we love skateboarding or any other activity, it can’t truly replace family or close friends. A skateboarder knows instinctively to value each moment riding - whether alone or in a group. But as you start to move from adolescence to middle age and beyond, you realize that skeletons in closets have a peculiar way of rearing their heads. Whatever demons you may carry, skateboarding has proven to be a great way to keep them at bay. But the demons won’t fully be exercised until you face reality.
I have tried yoga, cooking, gardening and conversing in another language. At some point or another, these activities have let me down, oftentimes with ridiculous and embarrassing results. I used to say that skateboarding never let me down. But the fact is that skateboarding is an activity, not a person. No matter how much you love your skateboard or the act of skateboarding, it will never love you back. It can’t because a skateboard is an inanimate object. An object that certainly improves your life, but it is only an object.
Skateboarding will be the catalyst for you to have experiences that you will love. Often, it will bring you people who you might grow to cherish (and respect). But the fact remains your skateboard will outlive you. In a hundred years from now, your descendants might know that you skated. But one thing is for certain. If you don’t handle your shit eventually, your descendants will have to.