Inner Strength
Some of you might be wondering what exactly is my job as a funeral director’s assistant. The best way to answer this is to say I do many different things, but I don’t make the actual arrangements for the funeral service. I am there to help out during a funeral to make sure things run smoothly. All the arrangements with the clergy, cemetery, family etc are handled by other people. I also assist at the chapel and cemetery with the service.
Perhaps the most unique part of my job is the interaction I have with families when a death has occurred in a home, hospice or hospital. This is something that very few people have an opportunity to witness and that includes most of the funeral directors or managers at my funeral home. So, what I am about to share with you is somewhat insider information.
When we get a call that someone has died, we are usually sent in a team of two. We call this a transfer. It is a polite way of saying that we’re picking up a dead person. It is indeed a heavy feeling approaching someone’s door and knocking. They have dreaded this moment. But we approach with a solemn attitude and carefully assess the situation.
We mostly transfer people who are old. They can be in their late 70’s, 80’s or 90’s. Very rarely do we transfer someone who has lived past 100. Thankfully, it is also very rare that we transfer someone who is young. I will discuss what it is like dealing with young people in a future chapter.
As we move the body from the bed to the stretcher, we are careful to ensure the body is treated with the utmost respect. All eyes are on us. Sometimes, the family won’t want to be present as we move the body from the bed to the stretcher. Other times, they will glare at us with an intensity that is almost palpable. They are watching our every move. I don’t blame them - after all, we are doing something that they hoped would never happen. We can’t make any mistakes. Sometimes a body will be fairly light. Other times, we encounter quite a bit of difficulty in moving someone. We have to be very careful that we don’t hit any walls or fall with the stretcher down the stairs.
Many times, if a person has died at home, you will encounter the caregivers along with the family members. While the caregivers are not related by blood to the deceased, they grieve just as much. Sometimes, they grieve even more.
Entering someone’s private home who you don’t know can be somewhat surreal. You’re not there to pay a social visit. It’s not an open house or a party. You have to be very aware of your surroundings. Respect is the keyword along with keeping a level head. You must remain professional and calm, even though you are witnessing death up close. It’s not a movie or reality tv - it is just reality.
I’d say that in order to be able to do this type of work you need a fair amount of emotional intelligence. What is emotional intelligence? Here’s a definition I found:
Emotional intelligence (otherwise known as emotional quotient or EQ) is the ability to understand, use, and manage your own emotions in positive ways to relieve stress, communicate effectively, empathize with others, overcome challenges and defuse conflict.
Believe it or not, I think EQ is something that some skateboarders have a genuine gift for. You need an ability to read a situation quickly. Death brings about so many emotions. Empathy plays a big role. There is grief, relief and in some cases genuine surprise. I once picked up a 98 year old and the spouse was crying and wailing. She couldn’t believe her husband had died. She was in shock. I thought to myself “the guy was 98, how can she be surprised?” But I knew well enough to keep my thoughts to myself.
As a skateboarder, I am sure there have been times when your ability to read a situation quickly paid off immeasurably. It might have been those times when you questioned authority. Perhaps a security guard (or irate neighbor) chased you away from a great spot. I am sure you’ve experienced a motorist loudly honking their horn at you as you effortlessly ride down the road. Skateboarders, in many cases, are doing something that can be considered “quasi” legal. Your ability to keep cool with authority is an excellent skill.
If you’re not getting badgered by authority figures, you might find that you’re encountering people who show absolute disdain for your chosen pastime. I’ve encountered numerous individuals who seem to question why on earth I’d even skateboard at “my age.” I always laugh when people say I’m too old to be riding a skateboard. Their incorrect perception won’t dampen my joy one bit. But I never lose my temper with them.
The truth is that while most of our time as skaters is pretty stress free, there are also times when things can get out of hand. I’ve been in a few hairy situations which have required a very calm and collected mindset. It’s not so much what you’re experiencing, but how you are handling it.
Your willingness to continue to skate despite all these obstacles showcases a unique type of resiliency. It is a resilience that can be drawn upon as you deal with other types of precarious situations.
This ability to adapt, to manage stress and overcome challenges is a critical part of being a skater. But I’d go one step further. If you’re brave enough to charge downhill at 50 mph or drop into a 15 foot high half-pipe, then I think it can be excellent mental preparation for the challenges of death and dying.
Emotional intelligence plays such a huge role in dealing with death and dying. If you draw on your experiences as a skater, you will find an inner strength you might not know you had.